i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
