I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
