he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
