I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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