textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He passed out mid-signature
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
My vagina is very pro this idea
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
