We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
