dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
