Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
