I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
