remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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