I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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