i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Life is so much better after having sex.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
