to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
