party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
