you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
