dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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