I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
