I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize