I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
