Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
