I'm gonna have a badass scar
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Holy sore nipples Batman
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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