Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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