had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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