You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
