I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
