apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
