I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
