I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
