If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
