I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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