i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
