I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
