You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
