I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I would fuck him just for his dog
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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