I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
