Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
