I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
