wanna go halves on a baby?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
