my vag is so smooth its legendary
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
