That's when you crack a 10am beer
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
