I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
