nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
