I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize