Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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