Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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