she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize