As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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