Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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