Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
