wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
