the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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