I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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