Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
