i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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