I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
