You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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