I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
