girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
