Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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