Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
