everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
