I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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