SEEEEXXX PLEASE
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You're a waste of cheezeits
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
